Recovery #3 – White Light Experience

27.10.22 07:51 PM By web.ssdce

I have just begun my 29th year of sobriety.

Last post, I made reference to my “white light” experience, which I will talk about here.

During the time coming up to November 16, 1993, my life was falling apart. I was married to a man, had fallen in love with woman, and had moved out of my house. I asked my then-husband to go to therapy with me, but he wasn’t willing. So, I sought out therapy at the LGBT center, with someone who supported the notion of bisexuality. I also began to attend CoDA meetings, as well as “dropping into” AA meetings, simply because I had found them helpful in the past, not because I thought I actually had a problem with alcohol. I knew I had a ‘life’ problem, but had no idea that it was rooted in an alcohol problem.

Every Tuesday, I had therapy in Berkeley at 10am and then went to a gay CoDA meeting in SF at 12pm. The therapist I got at the center was a gay woman who understood bisexuality, but also happened to have 14 years of sobriety.

On Tuesdays, I would go to therapy and “argue” with Leslie that I didn’t have an alcohol problem. This was something that I would just announce to her, to which she would simply reply, “ok”. She never once tried to tell me that I had a problem.

One day, after therapy, I was driving to the city for my noon meeting. While on the Bay Bridge, I had a “vision”. Hanging in front of me was a glass, like a hologram, of my favorite cocktail. It took up most of my field of vision. It was perfect, as I had become pretty picky about my cocktails. All of a sudden, I started to sob. I realized that this drink was my best friend, that it had been my best friend since childhood and that only an alcoholic could feel like that.

I got onto the bridge not an alcoholic, and got off with the sure knowledge that I was one. There were only 2 choices at that point – go to AA and do all the things, or go on as I had been.

Not much of a choice – I was in sufficient distress, so I took the only road that made sense.