Resources

MITPISA

This is a short-hand negotiation form for playing with people you are just meeting, or to be sure you have covered the basics for every time you play. These items are meant to be a dialogue, back and forth, where all the parties speak to the questions

M - Marks - Are you ok with marks (leaving and/or receiving)? If so where?

I - Injuries and Illnesses - Do you have any injuries or illnesses that will prevent us from playing safely? Do you have any conditions that require attention regularly? Asthma, heart, blood pressure and pain can require medications that can impact our interactions with others

T - Triggers, Turn offs, Tone and Time - Do you have any triggers? Hair pulling, face slapping, belts, certain words can all be triggers for people based on past experience. Turn offs, while not quite triggers, can simply pull us out of our headspace. Tone refers to how you want to be spoken to? Commanding? Caring? Sharp? Is there a way you don’t want to be spoken to? Time - how long are we each able/prepared to spend today

P - Proximity - How close can someone be? Can they touch you with their hands? With their whole body? How close do you want to be to someone? Do you want to touch them with your hands? With your whole body?

I - Interaction and Intensity - What kind(s) of interactions would you like to have with others? How intensely do you want to be played with? How intensely do you want to play?

S - Sex, Safety, Safe Words, Substances and Senses - Sex is something that may or may not be part of your scene. It is important to talk about it in advance. Do we want to be sexual? If so, in what way? What about safety - precautions, testing, etc.? Once you make a decision, stick with it. You can always decide to forego sex, but never add it after the fact. For safe words, the Kink Collective uses Red, Yellow, Mayday and Mercy. Red means stop, Yellow means check in, Mayday is for needing help during a scene, if something goes wrong, the top should never leave the bottom. So instead, we call “Mayday” and the dm’s can come help. Mercy is when everything is ok, and the bottom needs the top to pull back ever so slightly. Substances - have you had alcohol or any other mood or mind altering substances? If you cry, how would you like me to handle it?

A - Aftercare and Anything Else - What do we each need for aftercare? Is there anything else we need to go over? Have you eaten? Gone to the bathroom?

Bondage Glossary

Bondage - Bondage involves consensually restraining someone’s body with ropes, chains, cuffs,silk ties, vet wrap, plastic wrap, duck tape, etc. for a number of purposes. Some of these are eroticism, BDSM play, meditation, the furthering of a D/s relationship and more. While it can be thrilling and enjoyable, there are inherent risks. Clear communication, understanding our partners needs, establishing limits and boundaries and more can make sure both parties are safe.

BDSM - Stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sado-Masochism

As healing - BDSM can be used in a variety of ways to promote healing and better health, from physical pain, stress and tension

As therapy - BDSM can also be used as therapy for issues like trauma, ptsd, childhood abuse and more

Restraints - Can be used in a variety of contexts, such as medicine to prevent a patient from harming themselves or others,, in law enforcement, or in BDSM to enhance connection between two or more play between partners

Physical - The use of objects or devices such as handcuffs, rope, chains, cuffs, straps and straightjackets, to limit a person's mobility.

Psychological - The use of language, social pressure or other means to limit a person’s behavior or choices.

Shibari - A general term for rope bondage. Used interchangeably with the term Kinbaku. Involves intricate and artistic tying of the body with ropes. It is known for its specific use of knots and techniques to create a variety of different patterns of shapes as well as its focus on the physical and emotional connection between the person tying (the rigger) and the person being tied (the model or bottom). A Japanese term that refers to the act of tying someone tightly. It is a general term that can be applied to any type of rope tying, including the use of rope for practical purposes such as securing cargo or restraining prisoners.

Kinbaku - The erotic art of Japanese rope bondage. Used interchangeably with the term Shibari. It involves using rope to create intricate patterns and designs on the body, with a focus on the aesthetic and emotional aspects of the practice. Kinbaku is often associated with BDSM and is used as a way to explore power dynamics

Energy Exchange - In BDSM, when a person(s) provides an experience for another (flogging, tying, fire, etc.) and another receives it. This is known as “topping” and “bottoming”. Energy exchange happens in many places and involves give and take.

Power Exchange - Specifically refers to Dominance and submission, when one person agrees to submit and the other to be in control. This can happen with or without BDSM play, and usually exists between parties who have come to know one another

Objectification - As it sounds, the Top or Dominant treats the bottom or submissive as if they were an object. This can be made manifest in a number of ways - furniture, sexual play-thing, etc. This is always consensual!

Safety - BDSM is inherently not safe. There are only safer ways to practice. This involves knowing the modality, being somewhat trained and skilled with the implements before engaging with another person, properly negotiating, understanding your partners’ needs and limitations, among other things

Safewords - Specially designated words that are used to indicate that either party needs to check in or stop altogether. These words are commonly “yellow” and “red”, respectively, but can be anything so long as all parties know what they are and feel comfortable using them.

Potential Physical Harm - cuts, bruises, marks, nerve damage, restricted breathing, skin rashes

Potential Emotional Distress - fear, anxiety, panic, triggered, past trauma

Predicament Bondage - This is a kind of bondage where the bottom/submissive is restrained in such a way that they must choose between one or another type of distress or discomfort. For example, being tied up by the hair just far up enough that one has to stand on tiptoes for your head to be comfortable.

Mummification - Bondage using plastic or palette wrap

Mental Bondage - Psychological bondage, often by way of speech (the giving of commands and the threat of punishment for failure to comply)

Wearable Bondage - Chest harnesses and other ways of wearing rope (mostly). There are many styles and colors of rope and can be used in a myriad of ways, both for physical sensation and aesthetic look.

Kink-Collective BDSM EDUCATIONAL SERIES

PXA Orchestrating a Scene for Dominants

Based on Original Material by Gil Kesler of GMSMA

Updated by the Kink-Collective

I Impromptu Scene vs. Planned Scene

II. The Players

III. Setting the Physical Stage

IV. Setting the Roles

V. Setting the Psychological Stage

VI. Developing the Scene

VII. Concluding the Scene

I. Impromptu Scene vs. Planned or Orchestrated Scene

When reading on your own, compare them line by line

Impromptu Scene/pick up play

Engaging with someone you just met

1. Usually of shorter duration

2. Venue not determined in advance/on the spot

3. Spontaneous, less preparation, less complex

4. Calls for the use of whatever’s at hand

5. Nourished by the excitement of the moment

6. Greater chance of uncertainties & mishaps

7. Less chance of being a transcendent experience 8. What are you into? List 3 things. (Let’s stay within these 3 types of play) Reference the “Yes, No Maybe” List (Y/N/M)

Planned/Orchestrated Scene

Arrangements made in advance

1. Usually of longer duration

2. Usually at Dom/sub’s home or known s/m venue (Paddles, for example)

3. Prior discussions held on aspects of scene

4. Area & equipment often prepared in advance

5. Preparation eliminates distractions

6. Safer and more trusting atmosphere

7. Better chance of success and intimate connection

beyond the physical

8. What are you NOT into? Sandbox style approach

II. The Players, Negotiation and Limitations

Assess experience levels between the partners
Always negotiate in advance.

Importance of candid communication of desires and limits for both Dominant & submissives:

Types of physical play

Review “Y/N/M” lists from the view point of “how can I enjoy this”
Verbal vs. non-verbal communication
Limitations - As negotiated before playing

III. SETTING THE PHYSICAL STAGE

Where are available locations? Take into account sound and lighting

Public (parties and clubs)
Private - either of your homes, rented studio space where no one else is around

Storing and displaying your equipment
Be able to find things quickly

Safety - scissors
Photographs - camera

Creating Atmosphere

Consider some ways to enhance a fantasy:

Scenario one: If you want to take someone into the woods, tie them spread-eagled to trees, and flog them, you could try blindfold, drop cloth with leaves, pine scent, and music of forest.
Scenario two: If you want to take them captive to your dungeon for torture and interrogation. You could try chair bondage but no blindfold, executioner’s mask for the Dom, put a spotlight on the prisoner. or
Scenario three: For Medieval scene - use candles and monastic music

Talk about the fantasy ahead of time.
The submissive can lose themselves in the fantasy
The Dominant must keep watch over safety and over how the scene is progressing!
Try small things first; repetition brings confidence. Then expand ideas. Don’t raise your expectations so much that you are discouraged by what really happens.

Some methods for affecting senses:

Sight

Blindfold
Colored lights (red good, but not for flogging; green or fluorescent bad)
Mirrors
Candles
Costumes/uniforms

Smell

Pine needles for woods
Spray scents,
Incense,
Leather
Bodily smells

Taste

Whipped cream,
Honey

Touch:

Sensory deprivation (e.g. wrapping hands),
Ice during candle or fire scene

Sound:

Music
Non-familiar or abstract music without vocals
Set volume so music is in the background, serving the scene but not running it.

IV. SETTING THE ROLES

Top/bottom.
Role Playing - Daddy/Mommy/boy/girl, cop/robber, sergeant/private, teacher/student, coach/athlete, fraternity brother/pledge, shipboard captain/sailor, doctor/patient, customer/delivery boy.
In-place dynamics (on-going) - Dominant/submissve, Master/slave, handler/pup
Be sure to have what you need - collars, leashes etc.

V. SETTING THE PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGE

Greeting the submissive

Going into role immediately (intense setting, role play scenario) OR
Social “foreplay” and discussion (to help create a safe space for a “nervous” submissive)

Preparing the Submissive:

“Day of” Negotiation
Undressing: Partially clothed (and in what) or completely naked
Make them feel comfortable in their skin (be aware of any body image issues)

Possible Options:

Hood or other headgear
Collar
Wrist/ankle cuffs
Cock-ring or genital bondage or chastity device
Boots or other footwear vs. barefoot

Relaxing & Reassuring the submissive (Reinforcement of Trust):

Important for submissive to see Dom as reasonable and trustworthy; able to have a sense of humor & CONNECT !!
You’re going on a journey together, and you’ll be there to guide them all along the way
They will be safe
Consensual, safewords are there to be used

Remind the submissive to breathe during the scene. The body is most relaxed when exhaling.

VI. DEVELOPING THE SCENE

Preparation by Dom:

Have a fairly good idea of what you both want to (and can) explore.
First meeting is often exploratory, so don’t expect to go very deep; you’re just getting to know each other.
Start with an activity you know the bottom likes
Perhaps add something you’re curious to try

Enhancement of scene with

Fantasy or head-trips and/or
Props or gear that reinforce the connection and power exchange.
Novice Dominants may find it useful to draft a possible set of activities in advance; sketching out a scene helps eliminate nervousness about what you’re going to do.
Don’t put everything in one scene

Where to get ideas

Draw on past experience
Witness and carefully observe others engaging in s/m activity (for real, not in movies); see what resonates for you and what doesn’t.
“Steal” (i.e. learn and adopt/adapt) others’ safe skills, techniques, and practices that you admire, making them your own.
Play-events (e.g. Kink-Collective, Delta, Inferno, Club Runs, Dungeon Demos) provide particularly useful learning opportunities.

Proceeding with the Scene

Aim to help the bottom disengage from their usual daily thoughts,
Help make them aware of their connectedness with you.

Start out slowly, with care and precision

Demonstrate that you know what you’re doing
Build on each activity to bring off a smooth sensible progression of play (e.g. simple bondage to nipple-work to abrasion to clothespins);
Or just concentrate on one activity for an extended period (e.g. mummification or clothespins or electricity).
Don’t jump frantically back-and-forth from one activity to another.
Give the bottom time to process what’s being done (e.g. spanking should be built gradually; caning strokes should be spaced to give time for the sting to take place).

During the scene,

Don’t compare this submissive with others from the past (just as you don’t want them comparing you to previous Dominants)
Remember to keep the lines of communication open throughout

Combinations that work well together:

Spanking/paddling followed by ass-play or flogging or clothespins
Tit-play & genitorture
Shaving & hot wax
Skin-play & flogging
Rope harness bondage & electricity
Mummification & genitorture or electricity

Cautions & Things to Be Aware of

Never take your partner or an activity for granted
Beware of “mechanical” behavior; be present in the moment for whom you’re with and what you’re doing
If something’s not working, be prepared to shift gears to salvage the scene rather than having to abort it altogether
Have a fall-back plan so you have options, depending on the mental and physical condition of both you and the bottom

Read and observe bottom’s breathing and energy level carefully;
Use intuition as well as verbal check-in’s to determine when to break or end, or take a break

If the submissive is uncommunicative, have they “zoned out”?
If the submissive is expressing a lot of emotion, check in to make sure they’re okay
Encourage them to stay with their experience and give them what you sense they want/need
Always ask if you’re not clear about this.
If they are making lots of noise, and sound is carrying to where that’s a concern, you may want to use a gag

Consider shifting equipment/position to avoid tiring out or health problems (e.g. if bottom is standing for a long time, try moving them to a bed or table)

Take breaks

Bathroom breaks (unless that’s the scene)
Hydrate (important for both Top and bottom; have water close by)
Dry off
Stretch
Rest/recharge; check in; if possible, try not to break the mood of scene during breaks
On resuming play, it may be an opportunity to build to heavier play or introduce a new experience

VII. CONCLUDING THE SCENE

Taking Submissive to a Peak/Crescendo -- and How You Know It’s Time to End:

Depends on Dominant’s intuition/observation about how much the submissive can handle
When Dom feels it’s appropriate to stop; involves closely monitoring the Submissive’s physical and emotional stat

Gradually intensify the action to create a peak (continually observing)

As action intensifies you may need to slow down to allow bottom more time to process sensations
Don’t automatically adhere to an “agenda”

To push things a bit more, perhaps add stimulation of an additional body part, only if included in original negotiation

When it’s time to stop, consider using some type of “end-game” that finalizes the action [e.g. in a flogging or whipping, have bottom count 10 more “good ones” (counting forward or backward) and perhaps one more “for the Top”]; when bottom knows how many more before activity ends, they will never let themselves “stop” early!

If the submissive and/or Dominant are fatigued, it’s time to stop (or at least take a break)

Is orgasm necessary (on part of Top and/or bottom)?

Sex should be negotiated before the scene, either during the scene or in aftercare

Bringing Bottom Back

Remove blindfold if applicable; initially shield bottom’s eyes from bright light until they adjust.
Release bottom from restraints (slowly)
If applicable, clean and/or apply something cooling to appropriate body part(s)
Hydrate (water or non-carbonated non-caffeinated liquid, preferably not ice-cold as that may be an unwelcome shock to system)
Acknowledge bottom and appreciate the stresses they have endured
Gently re-establish the real world, psychologically as well as physically; fantasy is over
Share affection (e.g. hugs, cuddling); see if they want a bath or shower
Have them perform simple tasks (e.g. get drinks, help clean up play area, collect and/or clean gear, etc.), if this is grounding for them
If appropriate, eat nourishing food
Be aware that both of you may be in an altered state of consciousness, so be gentle with yourselves; avoid task requiring high degrees of concentration or awareness (e.g. driving or dealings with the outside world)

Good s/m is more than just knowing how to tie someone up or wield a flogger. The Top tries to enter into the mind and body of their bottom. What elevates these activities into a great scene are the magic of connection and the excitement of a successful experience in power exchange and trust.

PXA for submissives

We will start with these 3 initial questions:

Who am I?
What am I looking to experience?
What do I have to offer the person I am engaging with?

Philosophy and Perspective

If philosophy is what one thinks or believes about a subject and perspective refers to your specific relationship to it (Example: “Consent” is a philosophy you believe in and “PRICK” is your perspective about it), what is your philosophy is about Dominance and submission and what are your perspectives, personally.

Concept of Power Exchange Roles

Define Dominance

Power and influence over others.

Define submission

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person

What does Dominance look like to you conceptually?
What is the purpose of Dominance to you?
What does Submission look like to you conceptually?
What is the purpose of submission to you?
Define power exchange

One person agrees to submit to the activity and the other agrees to be in control.

Define energy exchange

the voluntary exchange of subtle energy between two or more people. It is usually—but not always—accomplished through physical contact. In the case of bdsm, it is always the case when one person is giving and the other is receiving through any play modality.

What do you want/need for yourself on your side of the Power Exchange? (I need to feel cared for, safe, pushed, sexy, humiliated, powerful, etc.). Be as thorough as you can
What do you want/need from a partner in the Power Exchange? (Care, consideration, intensity, surrender, boundaries, communication, etc.) Be as thorough as you can
Is the choice of submission because of how you think people would want you?
Is the journey into discovering submission something that makes you proud of yourself?

Physicality in self

How do you experience submission physically?

What does it feel like in your body?
How would you physically demonstrate it?

What postures, gestures and facial expressions do you strike when you feel submissive?

Try standing in front of a mirror and contemplate your preferred role. Allow your body to respond. Observe yourself.

How do you speak?
Are there clothes or toys or other outside props that help you feel more submissive?
Do you notice a difference in how others respond to you when you are in a submissive headspace? How does that make you feel? List 5 words someone would use to describe you

Physicality in others

Describe the look of Dominance in someone
Describe the look of submission in someone
What does Dominance look like in a partner?
What would the other person experience with you & your submission?
How do you want them to think and feel?
How would they speak?
What are 5 words you would use to describe submission that you observe in another?

Headspace

What does headspace mean for you and what kind of headspace have you experienced? Top, bottom, Dom, sub, littles, puppy etc.
What type of headspace would you like to experience?
What do you imagine others’ experience in their headspaces?
What does headspace look like in your body? What would a person see if they looked at you? How would you be?

Submission

Discussion for Kink-Collective

Purpose:

These notes are designed to help you further understand the role of a submissive in the S&M/Leather community (from a submissive perspective) and to provide you with practical tips on safety, playing in scenes and general "bottom's etiquette."

Nothing in these notes should be construed as hard and fast rules or as Kink-Collective opinion or policy. They are simply ideas based on experiences.

These notes are divided into 4 sections:

About submissives
Finding a Dominant and Pre-Scene Considerations
Submitting in a Scene and Post-Scene Considerations
Manners for submissives

1. Submissives

What is a submissive?

Definition: Ready to conform to authority or will of another

Being submissive does not give others the right to touch you without your consent or to mistreat you.

Finding your inner-submissive? Know thyself.

Who you are as a submissive?
How do I want to share my time and space with another?

PRACTICED SAFETY AWARENESS STANDARDS

S/S/C — Safe, Sane and Consensual:

Safe - Does your Top have knowledge about what he is doing? Does he know how to use the equipment? Does he know enough about you and your wants and needs to conduct a scene?
Sane - Does your Top know and observe the difference between fantasy and reality? Does he care about you and your needs, health and safety? Does he understand and observe the difference between safe/consensual play and violence?
Consensual - Will he respect your limits? Did he set safe words? Do you trust him? Do you trust him to stop when asked?

R.A.C.K. — Risk Aware, Consensual, Kink:

Risk aware - All involved parties are well informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.
Consensual - In light of those risks, of sound mind all parties have offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
Kink - sexual taste

P.R.I.C.K. — Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink:

Personal responsibility - Human beings choose, instigate, or otherwise cause their own actions.
Informed consensual kink - Permission granted in the knowledge of the possible consequences, typically that which is given by a patient to a doctor for treatment with full knowledge of the possible risks and benefits.
Kink - sexual taste

2. Finding a Dom and Pre-Scene Considerations

Finding a Dominant

Know yourself AND know what you are looking for in a partner
What would it feel like to be approached for who and not what you are? With that in mind, think about the following:

o What type of personality are you attracted to?

o What are you looking for in a play partner?

o How do you want a Dominant to be part of your journey?

o What would you like the Dominant to offer?

o What experiences do you hope the Dominant is seeking with you?

Keep your options open

Do not be afraid to wait. Different Dominants have different features and specialties.
Be willing to wait for the right connection to come along. The one that is right for you

Where to meet –Where and how you meet someone may greatly affect what you are able to do with them both from a logistical and a safety point of view.

Organizations – There are kink organizations throughout the country
Clubs and party spaces – These are either permanent or pop up dungeons and party spaces that host bdsm/kink/leather events, education and play parties
Network – Ask trusted friends about people they know
Internet – Fetlife, Meetup, Eventbrite, etc.
Chat Rooms – Kik, WhatsApp,
Larger Events – Dom Con, Fetish Factory, MAL, Delta, Inferno, IML, CLAW, etc.
Everyday life - We meet people every day

When and how

Meet in a public place, like for coffee, before setting up any kind of play
Safety call: A pre-scheduled phone call to another person, who knows where one is and who one was going out with before & after meeting.

Pre-Scene Preparations

Do you know the person you are playing with?
Have you played with the person before?
Have you seen this person play with other people?
What is it you expect to do?

Once you have established that you would like to engage in Power Exchange, it is time to dive into negotiation. Communicate clearly and keep the following in mind (Use Shared Experience Conversation Flow Form (see separate document)):

It is a two-way conversation
Ask clarifying questions
Give specific answers
Be honest
Negotiation continues throughout the scene, both verbal and non verbal
Be clear about all your limitations
Everything should be consent driven

Consent is an agreement between 2 parties to engage in any activity
Enthusiastic consent is the goal
“Yes” should be “Fuck yes!

You can change your mind at any time
Be clear if you want to stop something/you withdraw consent
Pre-scene negotiation is not done “in-role”. All parties are equal until pre-scene negotiation is done and play begins
In-role negotiation/communication

Dirty Talk - reflect back to the Dominant “Sir/Ma’am, boy/girl loves when you pull hard on their hair”
Ask permission - “Sir/Ma’am, may I please (ask a question, make a statement) before you say anything else
Body language - if you are touched, let your body respond
Instinctive verbal expression - yell, growl, purr, groan etc.

· Logistics - where, when, what, how, why

Play bag – Bring what you need for your own comfort and safety

Basic First Aid Equipment - You may need a band-aid, some ointment for after the scene, medication, aspirin, etc.
Condoms, Lube & Rubber Gloves - Even if I’m not expecting sex, I bring them. If nothing else, if your skin becomes cut or scratched, you may want your Top to wear some sort of protective gear when cleaning you up.
Contact lens stuff - Not all scenes work with contacts in. Have the stuff you need to pull them out (and to put them back in later).
Safety Scissors, Small Flashlight - Usually the Top will bring these if needed, but I always bring them anyway “just in case.”
Extra Cash - I always pack a few extra bucks (usually $20-$40) in case there is a problem.

3. Submitting in a Scene and Post-Scene Considerations

Submission in a Scene - be responsible for yourself

Communicate throughout the scene.
Use in-role communication to give valuable feedback to the Dominant
Do not allow the energy to flow only one way
If you are not enjoying something, communicate it.
Submissives should enjoy what is happening

There is no need to “endure” anything
Break role if necessary to get something communicated

Go slowly
If something happens - numbness, lightheadedness, etc. communicate it immediately
Enjoy the ride
Safety call - When playing, especially for the first time with a new Dominant (new to you), leave information about the person (name, address, phone number) with a friend. Call/text a friend with the information of the place we are going to play at, to let them know where I am. Tell the friend the beginning and end time of your plans. You promise that you will call/text to check in by the end time. The friend must agree that they will call 911 if they don’t hear from you by 15 minutes after the end time. It could be that the new Dominant was, in fact, a serial killer, but more likely there is some medical emergency and paramedics will get there faster and be of better assistance. In any case, the friend is not to go to the Dominant’s address

Post-Scene Considerations

Aftercare -this will be whatever was negotiated and planned for in advance
Debrief - Sometime after the scene (later that day, next day), share with each other what worked and what could be made better
Clean up - it is traditionally the submissive’s responsibility to clean toys, equipment and play space. It can be part of after care, and should be according to how the Dominant prefers things cared for

4. Manners for Submissives

Be Polite

When addressing the Dominant, be respectful.
Discuss the use of honorifics

Be punctual

Punctuality is about respect for your partner’s time
Do not be late for scenes.
If you think you will be late, send a text or call ahead.
You should never fail to show for a scene without contacting the Top.

Be reliable

Do not cancel a scene without good reason.

Be courteous

Send a “thank you” note or text after scenes or other significant events with your Dominant.

Be prepared

Arrive prepared for your scene.
If your Dom has asked you to bring something or be dressed in a certain way, then be sure you do it.
If you are expecting anal sex, it is considered proper etiquette to arrive at your scene “cleaned out,” unless you have otherwise discussed it with your Dominant.

Be open

Be open to trying new things with your Dom.
Do not compromise your standards for safety.

Keep your commitments

Do not make promises you do not 100% intend to keep.
Once a commitment is made to a Dom, do your very best to honor it.