Resources
Resources
MITPISA
MITPISA
Bondage Glossary
Bondage - Bondage involves consensually restraining someone’s body with ropes, chains, cuffs,silk ties, vet wrap, plastic wrap, duck tape, etc. for a number of purposes. Some of these are eroticism, BDSM play, meditation, the furthering of a D/s relationship and more. While it can be thrilling and enjoyable, there are inherent risks. Clear communication, understanding our partners needs, establishing limits and boundaries and more can make sure both parties are safe.
BDSM - Stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sado-Masochism
As healing - BDSM can be used in a variety of ways to promote healing and better health, from physical pain, stress and tension
As therapy - BDSM can also be used as therapy for issues like trauma, ptsd, childhood abuse and more
Restraints - Can be used in a variety of contexts, such as medicine to prevent a patient from harming themselves or others,, in law enforcement, or in BDSM to enhance connection between two or more play between partners
Physical - The use of objects or devices such as handcuffs, rope, chains, cuffs, straps and straightjackets, to limit a person's mobility.
Psychological - The use of language, social pressure or other means to limit a person’s behavior or choices.
Shibari - A general term for rope bondage. Used interchangeably with the term Kinbaku. Involves intricate and artistic tying of the body with ropes. It is known for its specific use of knots and techniques to create a variety of different patterns of shapes as well as its focus on the physical and emotional connection between the person tying (the rigger) and the person being tied (the model or bottom). A Japanese term that refers to the act of tying someone tightly. It is a general term that can be applied to any type of rope tying, including the use of rope for practical purposes such as securing cargo or restraining prisoners.
Kinbaku - The erotic art of Japanese rope bondage. Used interchangeably with the term Shibari. It involves using rope to create intricate patterns and designs on the body, with a focus on the aesthetic and emotional aspects of the practice. Kinbaku is often associated with BDSM and is used as a way to explore power dynamics
Energy Exchange - In BDSM, when a person(s) provides an experience for another (flogging, tying, fire, etc.) and another receives it. This is known as “topping” and “bottoming”. Energy exchange happens in many places and involves give and take.
Power Exchange - Specifically refers to Dominance and submission, when one person agrees to submit and the other to be in control. This can happen with or without BDSM play, and usually exists between parties who have come to know one another
Objectification - As it sounds, the Top or Dominant treats the bottom or submissive as if they were an object. This can be made manifest in a number of ways - furniture, sexual play-thing, etc. This is always consensual!
Safety - BDSM is inherently not safe. There are only safer ways to practice. This involves knowing the modality, being somewhat trained and skilled with the implements before engaging with another person, properly negotiating, understanding your partners’ needs and limitations, among other things
Safewords - Specially designated words that are used to indicate that either party needs to check in or stop altogether. These words are commonly “yellow” and “red”, respectively, but can be anything so long as all parties know what they are and feel comfortable using them.
Potential Physical Harm - cuts, bruises, marks, nerve damage, restricted breathing, skin rashes
Potential Emotional Distress - fear, anxiety, panic, triggered, past trauma
Predicament Bondage - This is a kind of bondage where the bottom/submissive is restrained in such a way that they must choose between one or another type of distress or discomfort. For example, being tied up by the hair just far up enough that one has to stand on tiptoes for your head to be comfortable.
Mummification - Bondage using plastic or palette wrap
Mental Bondage - Psychological bondage, often by way of speech (the giving of commands and the threat of punishment for failure to comply)
Wearable Bondage - Chest harnesses and other ways of wearing rope (mostly). There are many styles and colors of rope and can be used in a myriad of ways, both for physical sensation and aesthetic look.
PXA for submissives
We will start with these 3 initial questions:
Who am I?
What am I looking to experience?
What do I have to offer the person I am engaging with?
Philosophy and Perspective
If philosophy is what one thinks or believes about a subject and perspective refers to your specific relationship to it (Example: “Consent” is a philosophy you believe in and “PRICK” is your perspective about it), what is your philosophy is about Dominance and submission and what are your perspectives, personally.
Concept of Power Exchange Roles
Define Dominance
Power and influence over others.
Define submission
The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person
What does Dominance look like to you conceptually?
What is the purpose of Dominance to you?
What does Submission look like to you conceptually?
What is the purpose of submission to you?
Define power exchange
One person agrees to submit to the activity and the other agrees to be in control.
Define energy exchange
the voluntary exchange of subtle energy between two or more people. It is usually—but not always—accomplished through physical contact. In the case of bdsm, it is always the case when one person is giving and the other is receiving through any play modality.
What do you want/need for yourself on your side of the Power Exchange? (I need to feel cared for, safe, pushed, sexy, humiliated, powerful, etc.). Be as thorough as you can
What do you want/need from a partner in the Power Exchange? (Care, consideration, intensity, surrender, boundaries, communication, etc.) Be as thorough as you can
Is the choice of submission because of how you think people would want you?
Is the journey into discovering submission something that makes you proud of yourself?
Physicality in self
How do you experience submission physically?
What does it feel like in your body?
How would you physically demonstrate it?
What postures, gestures and facial expressions do you strike when you feel submissive?
Try standing in front of a mirror and contemplate your preferred role. Allow your body to respond. Observe yourself.
How do you speak?
Are there clothes or toys or other outside props that help you feel more submissive?
Do you notice a difference in how others respond to you when you are in a submissive headspace? How does that make you feel? List 5 words someone would use to describe you
Physicality in others
Describe the look of Dominance in someone
Describe the look of submission in someone
What does Dominance look like in a partner?
What would the other person experience with you & your submission?
How do you want them to think and feel?
How would they speak?
What are 5 words you would use to describe submission that you observe in another?
Headspace
What does headspace mean for you and what kind of headspace have you experienced? Top, bottom, Dom, sub, littles, puppy etc.
What type of headspace would you like to experience?
What do you imagine others’ experience in their headspaces?
What does headspace look like in your body? What would a person see if they looked at you? How would you be?
Submission
Discussion for Kink-Collective
Purpose:
These notes are designed to help you further understand the role of a submissive in the S&M/Leather community (from a submissive perspective) and to provide you with practical tips on safety, playing in scenes and general "bottom's etiquette."
Nothing in these notes should be construed as hard and fast rules or as Kink-Collective opinion or policy. They are simply ideas based on experiences.
These notes are divided into 4 sections:
About submissives
Finding a Dominant and Pre-Scene Considerations
Submitting in a Scene and Post-Scene Considerations
Manners for submissives
1. Submissives
What is a submissive?
Definition: Ready to conform to authority or will of another
Being submissive does not give others the right to touch you without your consent or to mistreat you.
Finding your inner-submissive? Know thyself.
Who you are as a submissive?
How do I want to share my time and space with another?
PRACTICED SAFETY AWARENESS STANDARDS
S/S/C — Safe, Sane and Consensual:
Safe - Does your Top have knowledge about what he is doing? Does he know how to use the equipment? Does he know enough about you and your wants and needs to conduct a scene?
Sane - Does your Top know and observe the difference between fantasy and reality? Does he care about you and your needs, health and safety? Does he understand and observe the difference between safe/consensual play and violence?
Consensual - Will he respect your limits? Did he set safe words? Do you trust him? Do you trust him to stop when asked?
R.A.C.K. — Risk Aware, Consensual, Kink:
Risk aware - All involved parties are well informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.
Consensual - In light of those risks, of sound mind all parties have offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
Kink - sexual taste
P.R.I.C.K. — Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink:
Personal responsibility - Human beings choose, instigate, or otherwise cause their own actions.
Informed consensual kink - Permission granted in the knowledge of the possible consequences, typically that which is given by a patient to a doctor for treatment with full knowledge of the possible risks and benefits.
Kink - sexual taste
2. Finding a Dom and Pre-Scene Considerations
Finding a Dominant
Know yourself AND know what you are looking for in a partner
What would it feel like to be approached for who and not what you are? With that in mind, think about the following:
o What type of personality are you attracted to?
o What are you looking for in a play partner?
o How do you want a Dominant to be part of your journey?
o What would you like the Dominant to offer?
o What experiences do you hope the Dominant is seeking with you?
Keep your options open
Do not be afraid to wait. Different Dominants have different features and specialties.
Be willing to wait for the right connection to come along. The one that is right for you
Where to meet –Where and how you meet someone may greatly affect what you are able to do with them both from a logistical and a safety point of view.
Organizations – There are kink organizations throughout the country
Clubs and party spaces – These are either permanent or pop up dungeons and party spaces that host bdsm/kink/leather events, education and play parties
Network – Ask trusted friends about people they know
Internet – Fetlife, Meetup, Eventbrite, etc.
Chat Rooms – Kik, WhatsApp,
Larger Events – Dom Con, Fetish Factory, MAL, Delta, Inferno, IML, CLAW, etc.
Everyday life - We meet people every day
When and how
Meet in a public place, like for coffee, before setting up any kind of play
Safety call: A pre-scheduled phone call to another person, who knows where one is and who one was going out with before & after meeting.
Pre-Scene Preparations
Do you know the person you are playing with?
Have you played with the person before?
Have you seen this person play with other people?
What is it you expect to do?
Once you have established that you would like to engage in Power Exchange, it is time to dive into negotiation. Communicate clearly and keep the following in mind (Use Shared Experience Conversation Flow Form (see separate document)):
It is a two-way conversation
Ask clarifying questions
Give specific answers
Be honest
Negotiation continues throughout the scene, both verbal and non verbal
Be clear about all your limitations
Everything should be consent driven
Consent is an agreement between 2 parties to engage in any activity
Enthusiastic consent is the goal
“Yes” should be “Fuck yes!
You can change your mind at any time
Be clear if you want to stop something/you withdraw consent
Pre-scene negotiation is not done “in-role”. All parties are equal until pre-scene negotiation is done and play begins
In-role negotiation/communication
Dirty Talk - reflect back to the Dominant “Sir/Ma’am, boy/girl loves when you pull hard on their hair”
Ask permission - “Sir/Ma’am, may I please (ask a question, make a statement) before you say anything else
Body language - if you are touched, let your body respond
Instinctive verbal expression - yell, growl, purr, groan etc.
· Logistics - where, when, what, how, why
Play bag – Bring what you need for your own comfort and safety
Basic First Aid Equipment - You may need a band-aid, some ointment for after the scene, medication, aspirin, etc.
Condoms, Lube & Rubber Gloves - Even if I’m not expecting sex, I bring them. If nothing else, if your skin becomes cut or scratched, you may want your Top to wear some sort of protective gear when cleaning you up.
Contact lens stuff - Not all scenes work with contacts in. Have the stuff you need to pull them out (and to put them back in later).
Safety Scissors, Small Flashlight - Usually the Top will bring these if needed, but I always bring them anyway “just in case.”
Extra Cash - I always pack a few extra bucks (usually $20-$40) in case there is a problem.
3. Submitting in a Scene and Post-Scene Considerations
Submission in a Scene - be responsible for yourself
Communicate throughout the scene.
Use in-role communication to give valuable feedback to the Dominant
Do not allow the energy to flow only one way
If you are not enjoying something, communicate it.
Submissives should enjoy what is happening
There is no need to “endure” anything
Break role if necessary to get something communicated
Go slowly
If something happens - numbness, lightheadedness, etc. communicate it immediately
Enjoy the ride
Safety call - When playing, especially for the first time with a new Dominant (new to you), leave information about the person (name, address, phone number) with a friend. Call/text a friend with the information of the place we are going to play at, to let them know where I am. Tell the friend the beginning and end time of your plans. You promise that you will call/text to check in by the end time. The friend must agree that they will call 911 if they don’t hear from you by 15 minutes after the end time. It could be that the new Dominant was, in fact, a serial killer, but more likely there is some medical emergency and paramedics will get there faster and be of better assistance. In any case, the friend is not to go to the Dominant’s address
Post-Scene Considerations
Aftercare -this will be whatever was negotiated and planned for in advance
Debrief - Sometime after the scene (later that day, next day), share with each other what worked and what could be made better
Clean up - it is traditionally the submissive’s responsibility to clean toys, equipment and play space. It can be part of after care, and should be according to how the Dominant prefers things cared for
4. Manners for Submissives
Be Polite
When addressing the Dominant, be respectful.
Discuss the use of honorifics
Be punctual
Punctuality is about respect for your partner’s time
Do not be late for scenes.
If you think you will be late, send a text or call ahead.
You should never fail to show for a scene without contacting the Top.
Be reliable
Do not cancel a scene without good reason.
Be courteous
Send a “thank you” note or text after scenes or other significant events with your Dominant.
Be prepared
Arrive prepared for your scene.
If your Dom has asked you to bring something or be dressed in a certain way, then be sure you do it.
If you are expecting anal sex, it is considered proper etiquette to arrive at your scene “cleaned out,” unless you have otherwise discussed it with your Dominant.
Be open
Be open to trying new things with your Dom.
Do not compromise your standards for safety.
Keep your commitments
Do not make promises you do not 100% intend to keep.
Once a commitment is made to a Dom, do your very best to honor it.